Regret carries no explicit admission that one is responsible for an incident, while remorse implies a sense of guilty responsibility and a greater feeling of personal pain and anguish. Problem is, I'm not sure which one suits me the most......
Never, ever in this life of mine did I think I'd be a twenty-five year old woman full of regret or should I say a sense of remorse.....but here I am admitting it, hoping to cope with it, and move on from it. I used to say I was living and learning, which is true to an extent, but when I look back and see the reality of what I've learned; I find that it's engulfed with pain and sorrow, and all other justifications for my choices are pushed aside and this "feeling" outshines any other delusional lie I've been trying to convince myself to believe.
For these are the reasons that bring this question into mind:
Letting certain individuals into my life; your motives were never true even though I'm sure your selfish heart refuses to see this. You played me for a fool, stole my optimism, hardened my heart, filled me questions, and sent me into a whirl of confusion that seems to invade every inch of me.
Giving people second chances, third chances, and God forbid fourth chances. You never deserved it. I was weak, insecure, lonely, and lost. So don't feel special, feel pathetic, because you were simply a security blanket for a girl who needed something, anything, to fill her up for the MOMENT.
Diving into a future I was always uncertain about because I needed a decision, a way out, something logical and stable, yet I feel more alone, confused, and unhappy than I've ever felt before. I've always dreamed of something more for my life, something that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, something that is bigger and better and actually has a purpose that only I can fulfill, and I settled for the complete opposite and I'm ashamed.
Not being more honest and open with my family. I guess you can say it's a work in progress as I shed the little white lies I've pinned on to my exterior for so many years, and eventually the facade became a part of who I was, or who I wanted my family to think I was, and it's not at all who I am.
Not keeping in touch with those who actually care about me and holding on to the worthless individuals (men) who don't care about me at all. If you did, you'd keep in touch with me, but you don't. Point Proven.
Letting my passions fade and losing a part of myself with each passing day. There are so many things I love that I no longer pursue and it's time for me to dive back in and find that spark to light the fire that used to burn within me.
Hurting others in any way because I know how painful it can be. I know how long it takes to truly overcome the sorrow, the anger, and the questions. Then, you're left to pick up all the shattered pieces of who you've become, put them back together, and hopefully become someone ready and capable to truly love again. It's officially the biggest challenge of my life.
I only hope I can be the woman I know I'm capable of being, the woman who will deal with her regret/remorse, actually learn from it, and make the changes in her life that will eliminate this pain once and for all. If not, then I deserve to suffer and I deserve to struggle until I finally decide to STOP and GET OUT of this shell I've pieced together around me. It's time to emerge for me. Others may disagree, think I'm taking my life to the extreme, but that's exactly the point. I'm taking control of my life, for me, and no one else.
Until I do these things, the woman you think you know.........is living a lie.
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