Regret carries no explicit admission that one is responsible for an incident, while remorse implies a sense of guilty responsibility and a greater feeling of personal pain and anguish. Problem is, I'm not sure which one suits me the most......
Never, ever in this life of mine did I think I'd be a twenty-five year old woman full of regret or should I say a sense of remorse.....but here I am admitting it, hoping to cope with it, and move on from it. I used to say I was living and learning, which is true to an extent, but when I look back and see the reality of what I've learned; I find that it's engulfed with pain and sorrow, and all other justifications for my choices are pushed aside and this "feeling" outshines any other delusional lie I've been trying to convince myself to believe.
For these are the reasons that bring this question into mind:
Letting certain individuals into my life; your motives were never true even though I'm sure your selfish heart refuses to see this. You played me for a fool, stole my optimism, hardened my heart, filled me questions, and sent me into a whirl of confusion that seems to invade every inch of me.
Giving people second chances, third chances, and God forbid fourth chances. You never deserved it. I was weak, insecure, lonely, and lost. So don't feel special, feel pathetic, because you were simply a security blanket for a girl who needed something, anything, to fill her up for the MOMENT.
Diving into a future I was always uncertain about because I needed a decision, a way out, something logical and stable, yet I feel more alone, confused, and unhappy than I've ever felt before. I've always dreamed of something more for my life, something that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, something that is bigger and better and actually has a purpose that only I can fulfill, and I settled for the complete opposite and I'm ashamed.
Not being more honest and open with my family. I guess you can say it's a work in progress as I shed the little white lies I've pinned on to my exterior for so many years, and eventually the facade became a part of who I was, or who I wanted my family to think I was, and it's not at all who I am.
Not keeping in touch with those who actually care about me and holding on to the worthless individuals (men) who don't care about me at all. If you did, you'd keep in touch with me, but you don't. Point Proven.
Letting my passions fade and losing a part of myself with each passing day. There are so many things I love that I no longer pursue and it's time for me to dive back in and find that spark to light the fire that used to burn within me.
Hurting others in any way because I know how painful it can be. I know how long it takes to truly overcome the sorrow, the anger, and the questions. Then, you're left to pick up all the shattered pieces of who you've become, put them back together, and hopefully become someone ready and capable to truly love again. It's officially the biggest challenge of my life.
I only hope I can be the woman I know I'm capable of being, the woman who will deal with her regret/remorse, actually learn from it, and make the changes in her life that will eliminate this pain once and for all. If not, then I deserve to suffer and I deserve to struggle until I finally decide to STOP and GET OUT of this shell I've pieced together around me. It's time to emerge for me. Others may disagree, think I'm taking my life to the extreme, but that's exactly the point. I'm taking control of my life, for me, and no one else.
Until I do these things, the woman you think you know.........is living a lie.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Seducing Our Hearts....
She wakes up one day
Wondering how she managed to obtain every desire she so desperately longed for
Yet somehow, she still feels so empty inside.
Her unsettled heart now seems to possess an indescribable brokenness.
She was special when you wanted something special; she was kind, she always cared.
She was everything you always wanted….for the moment.
Living in that moment, she thought she had it all.
But her conflicted heart always wondered if she was being true to herself.
She constantly questioned herself and wondered if YOU ever truly knew her, did she ever let you know her....
Maybe a fragment, maybe a portion of her was visible and true.
But she continued to deny that she wanted something more or at least she thought she wanted more, but maybe she never really knew what she wanted.
And maybe you simply refused to see more.
You made up your mind, you drew your own portrait of what she was.
Maybe to protect yourself, maybe it was all you could see, but there was so much more, so very much more….to ME.
Inevitably, too much pleasure ironically leads to pain.
I sometimes wonder if we're all just frightened by the feelings we possess or should I say the power these feelings possess.
We should be frightened; we open doors to vulnerability, to fear, to the unknown, and even more terrifying…to who WE really are.
We're forced to find out what we're really made of which sometimes turns out to be the complete opposite of what we thought we were.
What is it that we want out of this life…
For some, the thrill, the unexpected encounters of living for the moment offer a form of fulfillment, a temporary satisfaction to pass the time.
I've lived it, and at times I still do, scared to wake up and realize that it's living for me.
At times I still want it, I expect it, and somehow think I deserve it…to find out later that I simply despise it.
Not for what it was, not for what it still is, but for the denial it's allowed me to live in for so long.
There's no easy way out, even though the choice lies solely within me.
I can only hope that one day she will wake up and see that there's a balance, a joy, a beauty in this acceptance of the good and the bad, the living and the learning.
Her heart will heal, old habits will cease, life will simply go on...
And she will be ME.
Wondering how she managed to obtain every desire she so desperately longed for
Yet somehow, she still feels so empty inside.
Her unsettled heart now seems to possess an indescribable brokenness.
She was special when you wanted something special; she was kind, she always cared.
She was everything you always wanted….for the moment.
Living in that moment, she thought she had it all.
But her conflicted heart always wondered if she was being true to herself.
She constantly questioned herself and wondered if YOU ever truly knew her, did she ever let you know her....
Maybe a fragment, maybe a portion of her was visible and true.
But she continued to deny that she wanted something more or at least she thought she wanted more, but maybe she never really knew what she wanted.
And maybe you simply refused to see more.
You made up your mind, you drew your own portrait of what she was.
Maybe to protect yourself, maybe it was all you could see, but there was so much more, so very much more….to ME.
Inevitably, too much pleasure ironically leads to pain.
I sometimes wonder if we're all just frightened by the feelings we possess or should I say the power these feelings possess.
We should be frightened; we open doors to vulnerability, to fear, to the unknown, and even more terrifying…to who WE really are.
We're forced to find out what we're really made of which sometimes turns out to be the complete opposite of what we thought we were.
What is it that we want out of this life…
For some, the thrill, the unexpected encounters of living for the moment offer a form of fulfillment, a temporary satisfaction to pass the time.
I've lived it, and at times I still do, scared to wake up and realize that it's living for me.
At times I still want it, I expect it, and somehow think I deserve it…to find out later that I simply despise it.
Not for what it was, not for what it still is, but for the denial it's allowed me to live in for so long.
There's no easy way out, even though the choice lies solely within me.
I can only hope that one day she will wake up and see that there's a balance, a joy, a beauty in this acceptance of the good and the bad, the living and the learning.
Her heart will heal, old habits will cease, life will simply go on...
And she will be ME.
L***
It captivates me, controls me, breathes in me, challenges me, embraces me, and somehow always seems to find me.
It's the one thing I can't say no to; I won't say no to; I will never deny its beauty in my life.
I long for it, at times crave it. I question it, and wonder why I have so much of it to give.
Why me, why have I always felt such a deep connection to it in some shape or form.
At times it's a blessing, and at times it's a curse. For with it brings joy and inevitably pain.
I envy those who've truly found it, and know that some day it will find me too.
I feel for others who continue to deny it because it's never going away.
I wonder if at times I search for it in the wrong ways, but then I wonder, what is the right way.
Ask anyone and you'll get a different response; for we've all encountered it in such rare, distinct forms, and these forms are only sacred and intimate to the individuals that we are, and we'll all swear that our way is the pathway to it.
So what is the "right" way, what is the "best" way. All I can say is that there is no way; it's a power far beyond our means and it has its "own way" for each and every one of us.
We see it when we're willing, we feel it when we finally choose to let our guards down, to set our pride aside, to face it full on with every inch of our being.
It makes us who we are, through the good and bad encounters we face.
Many times we struggle to find it in its genuine form, but never the less it's there.
Without it, I couldn't face one day, I wouldn't understand any part of me because it is the reason I am who I am, I do what I do, and will continue to embrace each day, each encounter, each person, each circumstance, and each challenge in my life. I want it, I need it.
What is this "IT" I speak of-What is this concept that amazes me-Why what else could it be....................
It's the one thing I can't say no to; I won't say no to; I will never deny its beauty in my life.
I long for it, at times crave it. I question it, and wonder why I have so much of it to give.
Why me, why have I always felt such a deep connection to it in some shape or form.
At times it's a blessing, and at times it's a curse. For with it brings joy and inevitably pain.
I envy those who've truly found it, and know that some day it will find me too.
I feel for others who continue to deny it because it's never going away.
I wonder if at times I search for it in the wrong ways, but then I wonder, what is the right way.
Ask anyone and you'll get a different response; for we've all encountered it in such rare, distinct forms, and these forms are only sacred and intimate to the individuals that we are, and we'll all swear that our way is the pathway to it.
So what is the "right" way, what is the "best" way. All I can say is that there is no way; it's a power far beyond our means and it has its "own way" for each and every one of us.
We see it when we're willing, we feel it when we finally choose to let our guards down, to set our pride aside, to face it full on with every inch of our being.
It makes us who we are, through the good and bad encounters we face.
Many times we struggle to find it in its genuine form, but never the less it's there.
Without it, I couldn't face one day, I wouldn't understand any part of me because it is the reason I am who I am, I do what I do, and will continue to embrace each day, each encounter, each person, each circumstance, and each challenge in my life. I want it, I need it.
What is this "IT" I speak of-What is this concept that amazes me-Why what else could it be....................
As I Awake I'm Reminded That I'm.......
Tired of overcoming one addiction to find that I simply replaced it with another.
Wondering if I'm more misunderstood than understood.
Realizing that nothing is black and white.
Amazed as to how I wake up each day with a smile on my face despite my pain, my confusion, my sadness because I know my troubles are so small in comparison, and I long to reach that one child that so desperately needs someone to talk to.
Tired of searching for this thing called "balance," to only find it, and remain unsatisfied.
Wondering if my actions are truly self-destructive.
Hoping someday I'll find peace with Religion-Myself-God-and what it all truly means.
Trusting someone will see past this exterior.
Tired of holding anger towards past relationships to only find that I'm setting myself up for yet another that will leave me nothing but empty inside.
Wondering if I'm supposed to stop living for the moment because then what on earth am I living for.
Holding on to the promise that there is more to this thing called life and my "optimistic" attitude won't die in vain.
Scared I'm allowing so many of my dreams to die in the shadows.
Hoping that I'll find my way, learn to forgive, and truly move on.
Wondering how I can HATE and LOVE the same actions at the same time.
Disgusted that I give unworthy people multiple chances.
Confused as to why people think they can help me when they don't know me at all.
Angry that I allow myself to be sucked back in because so much of me craves what I hope it will be.
Hoping I haven't started playing the games I so very much despise.
Wondering if I'll ever get past this Instant Gratification I so very much long for and need.
And after all this contemplation and reflection, realizing these thoughts are so very beautiful to me.
Wondering if I'm more misunderstood than understood.
Realizing that nothing is black and white.
Amazed as to how I wake up each day with a smile on my face despite my pain, my confusion, my sadness because I know my troubles are so small in comparison, and I long to reach that one child that so desperately needs someone to talk to.
Tired of searching for this thing called "balance," to only find it, and remain unsatisfied.
Wondering if my actions are truly self-destructive.
Hoping someday I'll find peace with Religion-Myself-God-and what it all truly means.
Trusting someone will see past this exterior.
Tired of holding anger towards past relationships to only find that I'm setting myself up for yet another that will leave me nothing but empty inside.
Wondering if I'm supposed to stop living for the moment because then what on earth am I living for.
Holding on to the promise that there is more to this thing called life and my "optimistic" attitude won't die in vain.
Scared I'm allowing so many of my dreams to die in the shadows.
Hoping that I'll find my way, learn to forgive, and truly move on.
Wondering how I can HATE and LOVE the same actions at the same time.
Disgusted that I give unworthy people multiple chances.
Confused as to why people think they can help me when they don't know me at all.
Angry that I allow myself to be sucked back in because so much of me craves what I hope it will be.
Hoping I haven't started playing the games I so very much despise.
Wondering if I'll ever get past this Instant Gratification I so very much long for and need.
And after all this contemplation and reflection, realizing these thoughts are so very beautiful to me.
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