Why? Is it really too much to ask........

I'm a girl who needs to know why.

I've been this way since I was a child. Here's a glimpse into the progression of my thought process. I believe it started in junior high when my mind went from innocence to curiosity. My parents were excellent in their consistency. If they didn't approve, then the answer was NO, and there were no questions asked. But that was never good enough for me, not this little fiesty redhead.

I understand that arguing with a child can lead you nowhere, you'll end up in circles; I'm a school teacher so I can attest to this, but it doesn't fix the fact that I needed more. I simply needed to know WHY......"Why couldn't I date older guys? Why couldn't I go to my friend's house on a school night? Why couldn't I wear a certain outfit at a young age?" Typical teenage questions, with typical answers-NO! But I needed the reasoning behind the NO. It had to make sense to me. Otherwise, I'd find out the hard way, which is what I did for most of my adolescent life.

And now that I'm an adult, a young adult that is, I find myself asking the very same questions, but in a different context of course. And the reasoning behind these answers seems just as impossible to find. My thought progression now focuses strictly on relationships, go figure......"Why does he keep coming back to me, why does he want to be with me, why does he run away from me, why has he stopped talking to me...it seems quite simple, we are adults, but apparently when our hearts are involved, the reasoning disappears.

Some may say I need to get over it. "Women want answers and men just want to move on." But I beg to differ. Everyone deserves an answer. It brings peace to our hearts (eventually), it brings clarity, understanding, and it's what we all deserve. So why is it when it comes to those we love the most, the reasons seem to vanish into thin air. I've experienced this twice, very recently, and it's beginning to eat me alive because I can't find closure because I'm simply at a loss for words. I'm not looking for a pity party or anyone's advice on the matter, I just want "you" to give me a reason. I want "you" to be a man and I want "you" to give me what I deserve....a reason. I don't have to like it, I don't even have to fully understand it, but it's something, and believe it or not, it helps me pick up the pieces and move on, and I think it would help you figure out what you need in your life as well.

I'm a girl who gives second chances, third chances, and far too many after that, but I'm starting to think it's because of this very vicious cycle I've created. I never know why, so I let you come back, or I stay around, or I keep you in my life so that I can figure it all out, and ironically enough I'm the only one who seems to be hurting, and you don't deserve my tears, or all the time I spend thinking of us, the restless nights, the questions, the frustration, none of it....but here I am allowing you to get to me.

I believe in good, and I'll find it in everyone and I'll fall in love a million more times until I find the right one. I just hope that we'll all start giving each other the rightful reasons we deserve when things don't work out, when we try and don't succeed, when we realize we're not meant to be. Life's just too short to keep wondering why........

Baggage....who has more...I say we're all equal!

So you have an ex-wife/ex-husband, maybe even a few children, or a variety of ex-lovers that always seem to call and creep their way back into your life because truth be told, they're still a part of your life (trust me, I know). Maybe you simply have one long lost love who continues to invade your soul; simple it is not. Whatever shape or form your past may be wrapped up into...it all comes out into a nice pretty package I like to call baggage.

Yours no larger than mine, no smaller than mine, just equal to mine. If you've lived, you have baggage; if you've loved, you have baggage; and if you're living and loving each day (like I am), the baggage is inevitable.

So when I speak of a prospective interest, I find myself frustrated when others ask if he's been married before or if he has children, and ashamed at the fact that I've done the same myself, but do we ever stop to think of our very own baggage, and ask ourselves the very same question about what we're still carrying around each day.

I've encountered many men throughout my life, and a handful of them still mean so very much to me; a few were boyfriends, others were special encounters that somehow lasted for a few years, some were just dates, others were friendships that escalated into more.....so yes, I would agree that I have a bit of baggage myself. I'm not ashamed, yet I'm not proud, but it's my past and there's no denying that these encounters have impacted my life, made me this woman that I am, and left me with some leftover heartache as well.

So maybe I haven't been married and no kids have graced my presence (based on sheer luck I might add), but it doesn't mean that I'm still not hurting inside and struggling to release some of the baggage that still lingers....

We make it what it is, we hold on to it for as long as we choose to, until we want to let it go, or maybe we never let it go, maybe it's there to teach us where we've been, where we don't want to return, and it still holds all the beautiful memories we made along the way.

There are 2 sides to Paige-Both Amazing!

As I sat down tonight to watch my lovely Monday night shows, I found myself relating to a specific character in ways I hadn't envisioned in the past. And the statement was made that summed up the character of this young lady in one short, sweet, simple phrase which I have now embedded into my own world,"There are two sides to Paige Adair Parsons, both amazing." For the longest time, and until this very day, I've been trying to pick sides, thinking one was better than the other, one was more responsible while the other was more free-spirited, one would work out better for the future while the other fit perfectly in the present. However, after tonight, and the slight epiphany I received after a night of television escape, the bottom line is, I don't have to choose. They both equally and amazingly represent me in every way.

Paige's mind-----is thoughtful, many times lost in her own thoughts, visions, plans of what her life will be, should be, and someday these plans may form the reality of her life. She's a perfectionist in the most obscure ways, putting on that smile, dressed to impress, speaking words of encouragement and wisdom, her own form of wisdom that is; but she is wise, always giving advice, hoping to help or impact the life of someone around her. She's lived and experienced the world in ways she longs to share with others, hoping they'll learn from her mistakes since she struggles to learn from them herself. She longs for true love, it invades her soul. She longs to be needed, to touch the world around her in whatever way she can. She's caring, and cares for certain individuals more than she'll ever understand, but nonetheless, she truly cares. She's responsible about the decisions she makes that will impact not only her, but those around her. She's spiritual, but it's personal to her and she doesn't share this side with many, but it's genuine, it's true.

Paige's soul-----is spontaneous, always living for the moment, embracing every ounce of life whether it be healthy or destructive, she doesn't care, because somehow, someway she'll find the good in it, in you. She'll take a chance on life, on love; she'll take a thousand chances on love and she will find it someday. She loves attention, at times she craves it, whether it be for her spirit, her attitude, her appeal, she wants you to want her, and she wants to want you, in some way. She enters the room and searches for eye contact, to be seen, to be noticed for the unique individual she is. Her spirit never fades, it's less visible in times of darkness, but nonetheless it's still there. She's loud, she's proud, she's passionate, for life, for the very moment she's living; she makes a statement in whatever way she can. Others may think it's a show, an act, but it's me, and those who truly know me, can always see.

So when I take these two aspects of myself:my mind, my soul; I find that there's one key element that's still missing, a crucial elment, and that's my HEART which is a perfect combination of both my mind and my soul. It's the good, the bad, the beauty, the pain, the understanding, the questions....but it's me, and I am proud to say that every piece forms the individual that I am, and I'm thankful that I can finally see and embrace them both. It's not all black and white; I am blessed that I can see the gray!

We're Exes For a Reason....Let me Count the Ways

At one point, I thought to myself, "Could he be 'the one'?" I'd ponder our life together, somehow molding you and me into this beautiful portrait of what our life would entail, focusing of course on only your most virtuous qualities, always overlooking the less noble ones, and at times I was content with our life together, until the reality of what we really were became evident, and nothing could change the path we had created for our future.....and we simply knew that something was missing.

At least that's what we said, "Something was just missing!" Well I'm afraid I have a better phrase for what we didn't have, the unconditional, passionate, never ending love was missing. The kind of love it takes to truly make it in this world. Hence the title We're Exes For a Reason.

So here's the dilemma: somehow, each year, like clockwork, these exes seem to creep back into my life, motives still yet to be determined, but I'm sure it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why. I've pin pointed a few: the comfort, the familiarity, the support, the stability, was I the one that somehow got away, you've questioned whether we were meant to be, you're finally ready to take full responsibility, you've changed, you've grown up, the list goes on and on, yet the outcome is always the same, which is why......We're Exes for a Reason. These reasons aren't necessarily bad, but they're true, they're honest, and they write the book of our past, present, and future.

So I look back first at this comfort we crawl back into, like animals afraid to leave their familiar territory, but this comfort is conditional. It lasts for merely a moment, not a lifetime. So please stop coming back hoping to find any comfort from me, a woman that you're not in love with.

The familiarity, it's only natural when we've shared so many precious times together, but I ask you to dive into those familiar painful moments we've shared because I'm afraid that's all I can really see when I look into your eyes. Your goodness is still there, but our pain surrounds the good and seeps into the core of what we really were together.

For the support, the stability; these are things only the deserving will ever receive from me. I once gave them to you, but unfortunately, you couldn't or you wouldn't appreciate them, and old habits die hard, you'll fall again....and we'll fail again.

Did I somehow get away....some allowed me to leave, others drove me away, many never tried to stop me, but the worst refused to fight for me, for us. And I ask myself, how will this man react when someday we have to fight for our marriage when times get tough, when we have to fight for what we really believe in, what we believe each other can be, and any ex who couldn't fight for me in the past, has no place in my future.

If we were meant to be....then we'd be. Call me a hopeless romantic, and I'll take it as a supreme compliment, but I believe strongly in the beauty of two people who are madly in love, willing to fight and give each other everything they have to BE together. Therefore, they are meant to be and ironically enough these people are the ones who are together, and they deserve it.

Your responsibility-this is true, we all one day decide to take responsibility, but the bottom line is, it's too late.....for us.

The inevitable change-if we couldn't make it work, didn't make it work, refused to make it work, why now would it be any different. You're still you and I'm still me and the combination was lethal.

Grown Up-We never grow up, we're always learning, so how is it that you're all grown up now. You'll make the same mistakes and so will I, but we didn't survive those mistakes in the past and we won't in the future.

If you're reading this and you're one of my exes or my friends, please don't think that I'm attempting to mock your efforts in being a part of my life. I appreciate them and have enjoyed them for many years but I pray that this time, you'll question your own motives, and if you're genuinely here to be my friend, and NOTHING more, then I hope that someday we can achieve that, but it won't be easy transitioning from one extreme to the other.

Part of me wonders if it can even be done, but I've never been one not to try. And the thought of severing all ties with certain individuals breaks my heart, others not so much. But I only want those who are genuine and true to be a part of my life. I'm as guilty as all the rest for keeping certain individuals in my life for the reasons listed above, my motives not true, but it's slowly been taking pieces of my heart that I'll never be able to get back, and I refuse to wake up one day realizing that the best parts of me were given to the most undeserving of men.