Why? Is it really too much to ask........

I'm a girl who needs to know why.

I've been this way since I was a child. Here's a glimpse into the progression of my thought process. I believe it started in junior high when my mind went from innocence to curiosity. My parents were excellent in their consistency. If they didn't approve, then the answer was NO, and there were no questions asked. But that was never good enough for me, not this little fiesty redhead.

I understand that arguing with a child can lead you nowhere, you'll end up in circles; I'm a school teacher so I can attest to this, but it doesn't fix the fact that I needed more. I simply needed to know WHY......"Why couldn't I date older guys? Why couldn't I go to my friend's house on a school night? Why couldn't I wear a certain outfit at a young age?" Typical teenage questions, with typical answers-NO! But I needed the reasoning behind the NO. It had to make sense to me. Otherwise, I'd find out the hard way, which is what I did for most of my adolescent life.

And now that I'm an adult, a young adult that is, I find myself asking the very same questions, but in a different context of course. And the reasoning behind these answers seems just as impossible to find. My thought progression now focuses strictly on relationships, go figure......"Why does he keep coming back to me, why does he want to be with me, why does he run away from me, why has he stopped talking to me...it seems quite simple, we are adults, but apparently when our hearts are involved, the reasoning disappears.

Some may say I need to get over it. "Women want answers and men just want to move on." But I beg to differ. Everyone deserves an answer. It brings peace to our hearts (eventually), it brings clarity, understanding, and it's what we all deserve. So why is it when it comes to those we love the most, the reasons seem to vanish into thin air. I've experienced this twice, very recently, and it's beginning to eat me alive because I can't find closure because I'm simply at a loss for words. I'm not looking for a pity party or anyone's advice on the matter, I just want "you" to give me a reason. I want "you" to be a man and I want "you" to give me what I deserve....a reason. I don't have to like it, I don't even have to fully understand it, but it's something, and believe it or not, it helps me pick up the pieces and move on, and I think it would help you figure out what you need in your life as well.

I'm a girl who gives second chances, third chances, and far too many after that, but I'm starting to think it's because of this very vicious cycle I've created. I never know why, so I let you come back, or I stay around, or I keep you in my life so that I can figure it all out, and ironically enough I'm the only one who seems to be hurting, and you don't deserve my tears, or all the time I spend thinking of us, the restless nights, the questions, the frustration, none of it....but here I am allowing you to get to me.

I believe in good, and I'll find it in everyone and I'll fall in love a million more times until I find the right one. I just hope that we'll all start giving each other the rightful reasons we deserve when things don't work out, when we try and don't succeed, when we realize we're not meant to be. Life's just too short to keep wondering why........