Why? Is it really too much to ask........

I'm a girl who needs to know why.

I've been this way since I was a child. Here's a glimpse into the progression of my thought process. I believe it started in junior high when my mind went from innocence to curiosity. My parents were excellent in their consistency. If they didn't approve, then the answer was NO, and there were no questions asked. But that was never good enough for me, not this little fiesty redhead.

I understand that arguing with a child can lead you nowhere, you'll end up in circles; I'm a school teacher so I can attest to this, but it doesn't fix the fact that I needed more. I simply needed to know WHY......"Why couldn't I date older guys? Why couldn't I go to my friend's house on a school night? Why couldn't I wear a certain outfit at a young age?" Typical teenage questions, with typical answers-NO! But I needed the reasoning behind the NO. It had to make sense to me. Otherwise, I'd find out the hard way, which is what I did for most of my adolescent life.

And now that I'm an adult, a young adult that is, I find myself asking the very same questions, but in a different context of course. And the reasoning behind these answers seems just as impossible to find. My thought progression now focuses strictly on relationships, go figure......"Why does he keep coming back to me, why does he want to be with me, why does he run away from me, why has he stopped talking to me...it seems quite simple, we are adults, but apparently when our hearts are involved, the reasoning disappears.

Some may say I need to get over it. "Women want answers and men just want to move on." But I beg to differ. Everyone deserves an answer. It brings peace to our hearts (eventually), it brings clarity, understanding, and it's what we all deserve. So why is it when it comes to those we love the most, the reasons seem to vanish into thin air. I've experienced this twice, very recently, and it's beginning to eat me alive because I can't find closure because I'm simply at a loss for words. I'm not looking for a pity party or anyone's advice on the matter, I just want "you" to give me a reason. I want "you" to be a man and I want "you" to give me what I deserve....a reason. I don't have to like it, I don't even have to fully understand it, but it's something, and believe it or not, it helps me pick up the pieces and move on, and I think it would help you figure out what you need in your life as well.

I'm a girl who gives second chances, third chances, and far too many after that, but I'm starting to think it's because of this very vicious cycle I've created. I never know why, so I let you come back, or I stay around, or I keep you in my life so that I can figure it all out, and ironically enough I'm the only one who seems to be hurting, and you don't deserve my tears, or all the time I spend thinking of us, the restless nights, the questions, the frustration, none of it....but here I am allowing you to get to me.

I believe in good, and I'll find it in everyone and I'll fall in love a million more times until I find the right one. I just hope that we'll all start giving each other the rightful reasons we deserve when things don't work out, when we try and don't succeed, when we realize we're not meant to be. Life's just too short to keep wondering why........

Baggage....who has more...I say we're all equal!

So you have an ex-wife/ex-husband, maybe even a few children, or a variety of ex-lovers that always seem to call and creep their way back into your life because truth be told, they're still a part of your life (trust me, I know). Maybe you simply have one long lost love who continues to invade your soul; simple it is not. Whatever shape or form your past may be wrapped up into...it all comes out into a nice pretty package I like to call baggage.

Yours no larger than mine, no smaller than mine, just equal to mine. If you've lived, you have baggage; if you've loved, you have baggage; and if you're living and loving each day (like I am), the baggage is inevitable.

So when I speak of a prospective interest, I find myself frustrated when others ask if he's been married before or if he has children, and ashamed at the fact that I've done the same myself, but do we ever stop to think of our very own baggage, and ask ourselves the very same question about what we're still carrying around each day.

I've encountered many men throughout my life, and a handful of them still mean so very much to me; a few were boyfriends, others were special encounters that somehow lasted for a few years, some were just dates, others were friendships that escalated into more.....so yes, I would agree that I have a bit of baggage myself. I'm not ashamed, yet I'm not proud, but it's my past and there's no denying that these encounters have impacted my life, made me this woman that I am, and left me with some leftover heartache as well.

So maybe I haven't been married and no kids have graced my presence (based on sheer luck I might add), but it doesn't mean that I'm still not hurting inside and struggling to release some of the baggage that still lingers....

We make it what it is, we hold on to it for as long as we choose to, until we want to let it go, or maybe we never let it go, maybe it's there to teach us where we've been, where we don't want to return, and it still holds all the beautiful memories we made along the way.

There are 2 sides to Paige-Both Amazing!

As I sat down tonight to watch my lovely Monday night shows, I found myself relating to a specific character in ways I hadn't envisioned in the past. And the statement was made that summed up the character of this young lady in one short, sweet, simple phrase which I have now embedded into my own world,"There are two sides to Paige Adair Parsons, both amazing." For the longest time, and until this very day, I've been trying to pick sides, thinking one was better than the other, one was more responsible while the other was more free-spirited, one would work out better for the future while the other fit perfectly in the present. However, after tonight, and the slight epiphany I received after a night of television escape, the bottom line is, I don't have to choose. They both equally and amazingly represent me in every way.

Paige's mind-----is thoughtful, many times lost in her own thoughts, visions, plans of what her life will be, should be, and someday these plans may form the reality of her life. She's a perfectionist in the most obscure ways, putting on that smile, dressed to impress, speaking words of encouragement and wisdom, her own form of wisdom that is; but she is wise, always giving advice, hoping to help or impact the life of someone around her. She's lived and experienced the world in ways she longs to share with others, hoping they'll learn from her mistakes since she struggles to learn from them herself. She longs for true love, it invades her soul. She longs to be needed, to touch the world around her in whatever way she can. She's caring, and cares for certain individuals more than she'll ever understand, but nonetheless, she truly cares. She's responsible about the decisions she makes that will impact not only her, but those around her. She's spiritual, but it's personal to her and she doesn't share this side with many, but it's genuine, it's true.

Paige's soul-----is spontaneous, always living for the moment, embracing every ounce of life whether it be healthy or destructive, she doesn't care, because somehow, someway she'll find the good in it, in you. She'll take a chance on life, on love; she'll take a thousand chances on love and she will find it someday. She loves attention, at times she craves it, whether it be for her spirit, her attitude, her appeal, she wants you to want her, and she wants to want you, in some way. She enters the room and searches for eye contact, to be seen, to be noticed for the unique individual she is. Her spirit never fades, it's less visible in times of darkness, but nonetheless it's still there. She's loud, she's proud, she's passionate, for life, for the very moment she's living; she makes a statement in whatever way she can. Others may think it's a show, an act, but it's me, and those who truly know me, can always see.

So when I take these two aspects of myself:my mind, my soul; I find that there's one key element that's still missing, a crucial elment, and that's my HEART which is a perfect combination of both my mind and my soul. It's the good, the bad, the beauty, the pain, the understanding, the questions....but it's me, and I am proud to say that every piece forms the individual that I am, and I'm thankful that I can finally see and embrace them both. It's not all black and white; I am blessed that I can see the gray!

We're Exes For a Reason....Let me Count the Ways

At one point, I thought to myself, "Could he be 'the one'?" I'd ponder our life together, somehow molding you and me into this beautiful portrait of what our life would entail, focusing of course on only your most virtuous qualities, always overlooking the less noble ones, and at times I was content with our life together, until the reality of what we really were became evident, and nothing could change the path we had created for our future.....and we simply knew that something was missing.

At least that's what we said, "Something was just missing!" Well I'm afraid I have a better phrase for what we didn't have, the unconditional, passionate, never ending love was missing. The kind of love it takes to truly make it in this world. Hence the title We're Exes For a Reason.

So here's the dilemma: somehow, each year, like clockwork, these exes seem to creep back into my life, motives still yet to be determined, but I'm sure it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why. I've pin pointed a few: the comfort, the familiarity, the support, the stability, was I the one that somehow got away, you've questioned whether we were meant to be, you're finally ready to take full responsibility, you've changed, you've grown up, the list goes on and on, yet the outcome is always the same, which is why......We're Exes for a Reason. These reasons aren't necessarily bad, but they're true, they're honest, and they write the book of our past, present, and future.

So I look back first at this comfort we crawl back into, like animals afraid to leave their familiar territory, but this comfort is conditional. It lasts for merely a moment, not a lifetime. So please stop coming back hoping to find any comfort from me, a woman that you're not in love with.

The familiarity, it's only natural when we've shared so many precious times together, but I ask you to dive into those familiar painful moments we've shared because I'm afraid that's all I can really see when I look into your eyes. Your goodness is still there, but our pain surrounds the good and seeps into the core of what we really were together.

For the support, the stability; these are things only the deserving will ever receive from me. I once gave them to you, but unfortunately, you couldn't or you wouldn't appreciate them, and old habits die hard, you'll fall again....and we'll fail again.

Did I somehow get away....some allowed me to leave, others drove me away, many never tried to stop me, but the worst refused to fight for me, for us. And I ask myself, how will this man react when someday we have to fight for our marriage when times get tough, when we have to fight for what we really believe in, what we believe each other can be, and any ex who couldn't fight for me in the past, has no place in my future.

If we were meant to be....then we'd be. Call me a hopeless romantic, and I'll take it as a supreme compliment, but I believe strongly in the beauty of two people who are madly in love, willing to fight and give each other everything they have to BE together. Therefore, they are meant to be and ironically enough these people are the ones who are together, and they deserve it.

Your responsibility-this is true, we all one day decide to take responsibility, but the bottom line is, it's too late.....for us.

The inevitable change-if we couldn't make it work, didn't make it work, refused to make it work, why now would it be any different. You're still you and I'm still me and the combination was lethal.

Grown Up-We never grow up, we're always learning, so how is it that you're all grown up now. You'll make the same mistakes and so will I, but we didn't survive those mistakes in the past and we won't in the future.

If you're reading this and you're one of my exes or my friends, please don't think that I'm attempting to mock your efforts in being a part of my life. I appreciate them and have enjoyed them for many years but I pray that this time, you'll question your own motives, and if you're genuinely here to be my friend, and NOTHING more, then I hope that someday we can achieve that, but it won't be easy transitioning from one extreme to the other.

Part of me wonders if it can even be done, but I've never been one not to try. And the thought of severing all ties with certain individuals breaks my heart, others not so much. But I only want those who are genuine and true to be a part of my life. I'm as guilty as all the rest for keeping certain individuals in my life for the reasons listed above, my motives not true, but it's slowly been taking pieces of my heart that I'll never be able to get back, and I refuse to wake up one day realizing that the best parts of me were given to the most undeserving of men.

Regret or Remorse....You Decide

Regret carries no explicit admission that one is responsible for an incident, while remorse implies a sense of guilty responsibility and a greater feeling of personal pain and anguish. Problem is, I'm not sure which one suits me the most......

Never, ever in this life of mine did I think I'd be a twenty-five year old woman full of regret or should I say a sense of remorse.....but here I am admitting it, hoping to cope with it, and move on from it. I used to say I was living and learning, which is true to an extent, but when I look back and see the reality of what I've learned; I find that it's engulfed with pain and sorrow, and all other justifications for my choices are pushed aside and this "feeling" outshines any other delusional lie I've been trying to convince myself to believe.

For these are the reasons that bring this question into mind:

Letting certain individuals into my life; your motives were never true even though I'm sure your selfish heart refuses to see this. You played me for a fool, stole my optimism, hardened my heart, filled me questions, and sent me into a whirl of confusion that seems to invade every inch of me.

Giving people second chances, third chances, and God forbid fourth chances. You never deserved it. I was weak, insecure, lonely, and lost. So don't feel special, feel pathetic, because you were simply a security blanket for a girl who needed something, anything, to fill her up for the MOMENT.

Diving into a future I was always uncertain about because I needed a decision, a way out, something logical and stable, yet I feel more alone, confused, and unhappy than I've ever felt before. I've always dreamed of something more for my life, something that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, something that is bigger and better and actually has a purpose that only I can fulfill, and I settled for the complete opposite and I'm ashamed.

Not being more honest and open with my family. I guess you can say it's a work in progress as I shed the little white lies I've pinned on to my exterior for so many years, and eventually the facade became a part of who I was, or who I wanted my family to think I was, and it's not at all who I am.

Not keeping in touch with those who actually care about me and holding on to the worthless individuals (men) who don't care about me at all. If you did, you'd keep in touch with me, but you don't. Point Proven.

Letting my passions fade and losing a part of myself with each passing day. There are so many things I love that I no longer pursue and it's time for me to dive back in and find that spark to light the fire that used to burn within me.

Hurting others in any way because I know how painful it can be. I know how long it takes to truly overcome the sorrow, the anger, and the questions. Then, you're left to pick up all the shattered pieces of who you've become, put them back together, and hopefully become someone ready and capable to truly love again. It's officially the biggest challenge of my life.

I only hope I can be the woman I know I'm capable of being, the woman who will deal with her regret/remorse, actually learn from it, and make the changes in her life that will eliminate this pain once and for all. If not, then I deserve to suffer and I deserve to struggle until I finally decide to STOP and GET OUT of this shell I've pieced together around me. It's time to emerge for me. Others may disagree, think I'm taking my life to the extreme, but that's exactly the point. I'm taking control of my life, for me, and no one else.
Until I do these things, the woman you think you know.........is living a lie.

Seducing Our Hearts....

She wakes up one day
Wondering how she managed to obtain every desire she so desperately longed for
Yet somehow, she still feels so empty inside.
Her unsettled heart now seems to possess an indescribable brokenness.
She was special when you wanted something special; she was kind, she always cared.
She was everything you always wanted….for the moment.
Living in that moment, she thought she had it all.
But her conflicted heart always wondered if she was being true to herself.
She constantly questioned herself and wondered if YOU ever truly knew her, did she ever let you know her....
Maybe a fragment, maybe a portion of her was visible and true.
But she continued to deny that she wanted something more or at least she thought she wanted more, but maybe she never really knew what she wanted.
And maybe you simply refused to see more.
You made up your mind, you drew your own portrait of what she was.
Maybe to protect yourself, maybe it was all you could see, but there was so much more, so very much more….to ME.
Inevitably, too much pleasure ironically leads to pain.
I sometimes wonder if we're all just frightened by the feelings we possess or should I say the power these feelings possess.
We should be frightened; we open doors to vulnerability, to fear, to the unknown, and even more terrifying…to who WE really are.
We're forced to find out what we're really made of which sometimes turns out to be the complete opposite of what we thought we were.
What is it that we want out of this life…
For some, the thrill, the unexpected encounters of living for the moment offer a form of fulfillment, a temporary satisfaction to pass the time.
I've lived it, and at times I still do, scared to wake up and realize that it's living for me.
At times I still want it, I expect it, and somehow think I deserve it…to find out later that I simply despise it.
Not for what it was, not for what it still is, but for the denial it's allowed me to live in for so long.
There's no easy way out, even though the choice lies solely within me.
I can only hope that one day she will wake up and see that there's a balance, a joy, a beauty in this acceptance of the good and the bad, the living and the learning.
Her heart will heal, old habits will cease, life will simply go on...
And she will be ME.

L***

It captivates me, controls me, breathes in me, challenges me, embraces me, and somehow always seems to find me.
It's the one thing I can't say no to; I won't say no to; I will never deny its beauty in my life.
I long for it, at times crave it. I question it, and wonder why I have so much of it to give.
Why me, why have I always felt such a deep connection to it in some shape or form.
At times it's a blessing, and at times it's a curse. For with it brings joy and inevitably pain.
I envy those who've truly found it, and know that some day it will find me too.
I feel for others who continue to deny it because it's never going away.
I wonder if at times I search for it in the wrong ways, but then I wonder, what is the right way.
Ask anyone and you'll get a different response; for we've all encountered it in such rare, distinct forms, and these forms are only sacred and intimate to the individuals that we are, and we'll all swear that our way is the pathway to it.
So what is the "right" way, what is the "best" way. All I can say is that there is no way; it's a power far beyond our means and it has its "own way" for each and every one of us.
We see it when we're willing, we feel it when we finally choose to let our guards down, to set our pride aside, to face it full on with every inch of our being.
It makes us who we are, through the good and bad encounters we face.
Many times we struggle to find it in its genuine form, but never the less it's there.
Without it, I couldn't face one day, I wouldn't understand any part of me because it is the reason I am who I am, I do what I do, and will continue to embrace each day, each encounter, each person, each circumstance, and each challenge in my life. I want it, I need it.
What is this "IT" I speak of-What is this concept that amazes me-Why what else could it be....................